What's Going On Though until recently not a contentious category of film, it's doubtful there will ever be a true contender for a better babysitting movie than Chris Columbus' directorial debut. Elisabeth Shue stars as Chris, the put-upon young babysitter who leads her charges through a series of misadventures large and small in the mean streets of Chicago. Sure, we know from the title that there's going to be adventures and babysitting (not necessarily in that order), but what life lessons and philosophies can we take from Adventures in Babysitting?
Pop Music Sets Unrealistic Expectations
Anyone who grew up with Adventures in Babysitting fondly remembers the credit sequence, with Elisabeth Shue dancing around her room and singing along to the Crystals' "Then He Kissed Me" in preparation for her Big Date. But alas, the appealing romanticism of the girl group's lyrics is dashed by reality, as Shue's douche-y boyfriend (played by Bradley Whitford!) cancels their date on account of his little sister's (invented) illness. And as it's "contagious," he doesn't even and then he kissed her. Crestfallen moping commences.
Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application Though it appears charming on the outset, take the film's credit sequence as a cautionary example: When preparing for a Big Date, forget the cheerful pop music and instead blast some downbeat, depressing tunes to better prepare yourself for the inevitable disappointment. Anything from Blood on the Tracks, Only the Lonely, or the Funeral Dirge Pandora Station will do.
Truth Comes Second to Self-Interest
To distract herself from her problems, Shue agrees to a last-minute babysitting job for The Andersons. One of the two kids she's babysitting, Brad, is shown tormenting his Thor-obsessed little sister, Sara, by claiming that her hero is a "homo." This is obviously offensive, as it falsely implies that the hammer-wielding Norse superhero is a Homo sapiens and not an ancient being from the magical realm of Asgard. Sara counters his taunting by threatening to reveal Brad's habit of writing love poems about Shue. Unaware that Shue has overheard their heated exchange, Brad backs down from his strong claims. The message is clear: we tend to back down from the truth with even the slightest of pushback. Alternate lesson: Revelation of attraction to Elisabeth Shue is the ultimate bargaining chip.
Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application When attempting to gain leverage in a heated exchange, use your opponent's history of writing love poems to Elisabeth Shue to your advantage. This is probably the most universal of applications yet discussed on this site.
"The City" is an Abstract Concept Triggering Fear and Awe in Suburbanites
Just when it looks like the titular adventures will entail stopping a teenage boy from eating chocolate, Shue gets a call from Penelope Ann Miller. Seems her BFF PAM has run away from home and needs a ride from the downtown bus station. When Shue tells her charges that they must trek from Oak Park to Chicago, they look at her like she just suggested they go out back and barbecue some babies. Apparently The City is where unspeakable evils lurk, though once the possibility arises of visiting this modern-day Sodom and Gomorrah, the prospect sounds so terrifying yet appealing that the two Anderson kids plus Brad's sex-crazed pal Daryl blackmail Shue into taking them all into the Windy Hades.
Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application The best way to prepare your children for the harsh realities of the world is to shield them from said realities. Keep basic socioeconomic constructs like urban areas a mythic "other" to be both feared and revered.
The Scarier Someone Appears, the Friendlier They Are in Reality
The film has a lot of fun with exploiting the urban fears of whitebread suburbanites, as just about everyone the group encounters, even the villains, appear much more threatening than they end up being. This is a film where the friendliest character is a chop shop car thief, a burly auto mechanic (played by Vincent D'Onofrio!) is won over with heartfelt sympathy, and even the blood-thirsty mob guys seem fairly genial. The biggest pushback Shue faces is from a gang leader (played by Clark Johnson!) who just calls her "bitch" a half-dozen times and throws a knife into Brad's shoe. When it's all said and done, the "adventure" the group goes on might still be one of the safest trips anyone's ever taken through Chicago.
Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application Remember, a scary-looking stranger is just a friend you haven't met. Sidle up next to the tweaker on the bus, as perhaps he has some wisdom to share with you. Some see a man with a gun, others see a man with a plan. Get to know your friendly neighborhood thieves, pimps, and prostitutes. Avoid safe, well-lit touristy parts of a city at all costs-- shit's scary!
Men Will Go to Great Lengths to Secure Pornography
Daryl brings along his dad's Playboy to show Brad, as that month's centerfold bears a striking resemblance to Shue. Brad freaks out and throws the magazine out the car window. Daryl later steals an identical issue from the chop shop's offices, leading to an extended pursuit throughout the city as the hoods chase down their valuable skin mag.
Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application Just as you shouldn't stand between a mother bear and her cubs, never get between a man and his pornography.
Nobody Leaves This Place Without Singing the Blues
In the film's most iconic sequence, Shue and co. find themselves onstage at an all-black nightclub and are informed that they will not be allowed to leave the stage without first singing the blues. In true musical tradition, Shue tears the roof off the joint simply by relating the film's events thus far. Because nothing wins over a hostile crowd faster than privileged white kids whining.
Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application Taken figuratively, the maxim "Nobody leaves this place without singing the blues" inspires us with the universality of suffering-- no one leaves this world without encountering hard times, but we're all in it together.
Don't Fuck With the Babysitter
Don't do it.
Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application Don't fuck with the babysitter.
Frat Parties Are a Safe Haven For Women in Trouble
While fleeing yet another of the city's numerous dangers, Shue and co. kill some time in a frat house, wherein Shue's highschooler is befriended by a well-meaning college boy. If there's one thing frat boys are known for, it's treating women with respect. Her paramour is played by Shue's blank slate co-star from Double Switch, George Newbern-- was Disney trying to make these two the next Myrna Loy and William Powell? Newbern slips Shue some money and basically saves the day by not being a two-timing loser like Whitford. Proof that nice is boring as hell.
Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application If you are a young woman in need of assistance, you will find a safe haven within the noisy and hostile environs of a fraternity house party. Let your guard down, take any beverage handed to you, and relax: you're in good hands!
Babysitting is the New Omerta
After wrapping up their journey to the big city, the biggest challenge yet to befall Shue and co. is… the actual babysitting duties she's neglected while, you know, alternating between endangering and saving everyone's lives. Thus the climax of the film is not the unrealistic building climbing or chase scenes, but rather the thrilling sequence wherein Shue must outrace the Anderson parents and clean the house before their arrival. No one says a word of what transpired, and new friendships are forged by Shue and the kids from their shared secrecy.
Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application No, really, don't fuck with the babysitter.
