Adventures in Babysitting (Chris Columbus 1987)

What's Going On Though until recently not a contentious category of film, it's doubtful there will ever be a true contender for a better babysitting movie than Chris Columbus' directorial debut. Elisabeth Shue stars as Chris, the put-upon young babysitter who leads her charges through a series of misadventures large and small in the mean streets of Chicago. Sure, we know from the title that there's going to be adventures and babysitting (not necessarily in that order), but what life lessons and philosophies can we take from Adventures in Babysitting?


Pop Music Sets Unrealistic Expectations

Anyone who grew up with Adventures in Babysitting fondly remembers the credit sequence, with Elisabeth Shue dancing around her room and singing along to the Crystals' "Then He Kissed Me" in preparation for her Big Date. But alas, the appealing romanticism of the girl group's lyrics is dashed by reality, as Shue's douche-y boyfriend (played by Bradley Whitford!) cancels their date on account of his little sister's (invented) illness. And as it's "contagious," he doesn't even and then he kissed her. Crestfallen moping commences.

Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application Though it appears charming on the outset, take the film's credit sequence as a cautionary example: When preparing for a Big Date, forget the cheerful pop music and instead blast some downbeat, depressing tunes to better prepare yourself for the inevitable disappointment. Anything from Blood on the Tracks, Only the Lonely, or the Funeral Dirge Pandora Station will do.


Truth Comes Second to Self-Interest

To distract herself from her problems, Shue agrees to a last-minute babysitting job for The Andersons. One of the two kids she's babysitting, Brad, is shown tormenting his Thor-obsessed little sister, Sara, by claiming that her hero is a "homo." This is obviously offensive, as it falsely implies that the hammer-wielding Norse superhero is a Homo sapiens and not an ancient being from the magical realm of Asgard. Sara counters his taunting by threatening to reveal Brad's habit of writing love poems about Shue. Unaware that Shue has overheard their heated exchange, Brad backs down from his strong claims. The message is clear: we tend to back down from the truth with even the slightest of pushback. Alternate lesson: Revelation of attraction to Elisabeth Shue is the ultimate bargaining chip.

Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application When attempting to gain leverage in a heated exchange, use your opponent's history of writing love poems to Elisabeth Shue to your advantage. This is probably the most universal of applications yet discussed on this site.


"The City" is an Abstract Concept Triggering Fear and Awe in Suburbanites

Just when it looks like the titular adventures will entail stopping a teenage boy from eating chocolate, Shue gets a call from Penelope Ann Miller. Seems her BFF PAM has run away from home and needs a ride from the downtown bus station. When Shue tells her charges that they must trek from Oak Park to Chicago, they look at her like she just suggested they go out back and barbecue some babies. Apparently The City is where unspeakable evils lurk, though once the possibility arises of visiting this modern-day Sodom and Gomorrah, the prospect sounds so terrifying yet appealing that the two Anderson kids plus Brad's sex-crazed pal Daryl blackmail Shue into taking them all into the Windy Hades.

Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application The best way to prepare your children for the harsh realities of the world is to shield them from said realities. Keep basic socioeconomic constructs like urban areas a mythic "other" to be both feared and revered.


The Scarier Someone Appears, the Friendlier They Are in Reality

The film has a lot of fun with exploiting the urban fears of whitebread suburbanites, as just about everyone the group encounters, even the villains, appear much more threatening than they end up being. This is a film where the friendliest character is a chop shop car thief, a burly auto mechanic (played by Vincent D'Onofrio!) is won over with heartfelt sympathy, and even the blood-thirsty mob guys seem fairly genial. The biggest pushback Shue faces is from a gang leader (played by Clark Johnson!) who just calls her "bitch" a half-dozen times and throws a knife into Brad's shoe. When it's all said and done, the "adventure" the group goes on might still be one of the safest trips anyone's ever taken through Chicago.

Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application Remember, a scary-looking stranger is just a friend you haven't met. Sidle up next to the tweaker on the bus, as perhaps he has some wisdom to share with you. Some see a man with a gun, others see a man with a plan. Get to know your friendly neighborhood thieves, pimps, and prostitutes. Avoid safe, well-lit touristy parts of a city at all costs-- shit's scary!


Men Will Go to Great Lengths to Secure Pornography

Daryl brings along his dad's Playboy to show Brad, as that month's centerfold bears a striking resemblance to Shue. Brad freaks out and throws the magazine out the car window. Daryl later steals an identical issue from the chop shop's offices, leading to an extended pursuit throughout the city as the hoods chase down their valuable skin mag.

Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application Just as you shouldn't stand between a mother bear and her cubs, never get between a man and his pornography.


Nobody Leaves This Place Without Singing the Blues

In the film's most iconic sequence, Shue and co. find themselves onstage at an all-black nightclub and are informed that they will not be allowed to leave the stage without first singing the blues. In true musical tradition, Shue tears the roof off the joint simply by relating the film's events thus far. Because nothing wins over a hostile crowd faster than privileged white kids whining.

Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application Taken figuratively, the maxim "Nobody leaves this place without singing the blues" inspires us with the universality of suffering-- no one leaves this world without encountering hard times, but we're all in it together.


Don't Fuck With the Babysitter

Don't do it.

Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application Don't fuck with the babysitter.


Frat Parties Are a Safe Haven For Women in Trouble

While fleeing yet another of the city's numerous dangers, Shue and co. kill some time in a frat house, wherein Shue's highschooler is befriended by a well-meaning college boy. If there's one thing frat boys are known for, it's treating women with respect. Her paramour is played by Shue's blank slate co-star from Double Switch, George Newbern-- was Disney trying to make these two the next Myrna Loy and William Powell? Newbern slips Shue some money and basically saves the day by not being a two-timing loser like Whitford. Proof that nice is boring as hell.

Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application If you are a young woman in need of assistance, you will find a safe haven within the noisy and hostile environs of a fraternity house party. Let your guard down, take any beverage handed to you, and relax: you're in good hands!


Babysitting is the New Omerta

After wrapping up their journey to the big city, the biggest challenge yet to befall Shue and co. is… the actual babysitting duties she's neglected while, you know, alternating between endangering and saving everyone's lives. Thus the climax of the film is not the unrealistic building climbing or chase scenes, but rather the thrilling sequence wherein Shue must outrace the Anderson parents and clean the house before their arrival. No one says a word of what transpired, and new friendships are forged by Shue and the kids from their shared secrecy.

Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application No, really, don't fuck with the babysitter.

The Trigger Effect (David Koepp 1996)

What's Going On In a world where everyone is simultaneously having their Falling Down Moment, suburban married couple Kyle MacLachlan and Elisabeth Shue deal with a sudden and unexplained blackout, eventually enlisting the aide of their masculine friend Dermot Mulroney to protect their child, household, and selves from an increasingly violent environment. Sounds like there's a lesson brewing here for these characters, but what life lessons and philosophies can we take from the Trigger Effect?


Aggression is Bad

The film opens with an extended single take crane shot in which the camera winds through a shopping mall and introduces us to a chain of strangers interacting negatively with one another. The escalating Pay Shit Forward parade ends when a pair of loud black filmgoers seemingly cause a brief power outage by sheer force of their disruptive chatter during the movie. It's later implied that the subsequent extended blackout is simply the result of people being mean to one another.

Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application Next time the power flickers or goes out, don't bother going down to the basement to check the circuit breakers. Instead, be extra nice to everyone in your immediate vicinity until the lights come back on. If you have someone over and want to set the mood, behave passive-aggressively towards your paramour until the lights dim to the proper romantic level.


Aggression is Good

MacLachlan's effete husband is routinely judged by Shue and the film for his lack of aggression, especially in situations in which not reacting violently is clearly the course of action. That he decides to let things go and not stick up for himself is seen as a detriment, despite the weak chiding the film eventually makes towards these behaviors. When a smug pharmacist refuses to fill a prescription for the couple's infant child, MacLachlan first concedes defeat before brashly sneaking in behind the unlocked pharmacy counter to swipe the medicine. Upon hearing of his behavior, Shue exhibits for the first and last time in the film a sexual interest in her husband. This is also pretty much the first and last time their baby serves as any sort of contributing factor to anything happening on screen.

Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application If you want to reignite the passion within your frigid significant other, steal medicine for your sick infant. If your infant is not sick, either wait patiently or consider leaving the nursery windows open at all times. If you don't have an infant, consider stealing one, getting it sick, and then obtaining medicine for it (as you've already stolen the infant, the medicine may be purchased if so desired).


At Times of High Stress, Invite Someone You're Sexually Threatened By to Spend Copious Amounts of Time With Your Wife

Just before Shue gives in to MacLachlan post-theft, the man whom she was just transferring sexual feelings for anyways shows up to show up her husband. Despite being very obviously threatened by and jealous of their mutual construction foreman friend, Mulroney accepts an offer to spend the blackout with the couple as a form of protection from perceived external dangers (this is already a problematic film, but when Dermot Mulroney is being held up as a burly masculine ideal of street smarts, protection, and male sexuality, something's gone terribly wrong with society indeed). Somehow inviting a rival for his wife's attention causes more problems than it solves for MacLachlan, and jealousy gets added to an already overstuffed bag of cloying emotional ploys in the film.

Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application To prove that you're not threatened by those you are threatened by, invite them to spend time with you and what you fear losing.

Ex. Forget fancy locks and alarm systems, invite burglars over for a mixer. Move all of your most precious belongings into the living room and excuse yourself to the bathroom repeatedly. Leave out several easily-accessible dollies for your heavier items. Put all of your money in one of those big beige sacks with a dollar sign on it and place it in a wheelbarrow near the door. Let your belongings know you trust them not to get stolen.

The Right Time to Reinforce Your Anti-Gun Stance is When Society Devolves Into Anarchic Chaos

Elisabeth Shue's character hates guns and hates having guns in the house. Thus, at the earliest possible opportunity, she chucks the shotgun her husband traded his $600 watch for into the swimming pool. Of course, that's also the night an armed prowler decides to break in.

Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application Always stick to your ideological beliefs, even in times of crisis.

Ex. You're stranded on a desert island. The only thing to eat is fish, but you're a strict vegan. Starve to death to show your fellow fishing castaways how strongly you disapprove of their barbarism.

It is Unreasonable to Consider an Armed and Intense Man a Threat

After Mulroney stabs an intruder to death, all agree the smart decision is a road trip north to Shue's parents in Colorado. Mulroney dives into the pool and salvages the gun as best he can before they leave. Society has degenerated and it's every man for himself, so of course the intrepid group of travelers stop several times to place themselves in harm's way. After being startled by a sleeping Michael Rooker in a seemingly abandoned car, Mulroney and MacLachlan rebuff the intimidating Rooker's pleas for a ride. His insistence becomes more sinister when they notice the handgun sticking out of his pocket. Mulroney decides to be proactive and points a shotgun at Rooker. Rooker responds by shooting him and then blaming everyone else for Mulroney's injury, as he never intended to hurt them and they drew first. He kicks them out of their car and takes their keys, chastising them as he drives away. The moralizing is so subtle in this film, that's what I like about it.

Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application When encountering a pushy and armed stranger, always let him draw first, so that after he shoots you he can't blame you for your injury. Or, to deflate any potential guilt trips, just turn your gun on yourself instead. That'll show 'em.


When Unexplained Disaster Strikes, Try to Figure Out What Lesson is Being Taught, or It Turns Out the World Actually Does Revolve Around You

Once MacLachlan places his trust in the innate goodness of another human being, despite the film showing nothing but the opposite to be true of society as a whole, the blackout ends. Yes, the world often screws with everyone else on Earth just to teach a meager lesson to one person.

Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application When facing a large-scale disaster, natural or otherwise, assume it's directed at you and quickly work to correct whatever the world wants you to fix.

Ex. 1 Tornado totals your house. Call your mother more often.
Ex. 2 Hurricane strikes your neighborhood. Reconsider your poor recycling habits.
Ex. 3 Earthquake hits your city. Karmic payback for that time you stole a pack of Juicy Fruit from the checkout line at the grocery store

The Saint (Phillip Noyce 1997)

What's Going On Based on a popular book/radio/film/TV series, this film/film/film/film adaptation of Leslie Charteris' gallivanting gadabout shows the evolution of the masculine hero Simon Templar, and folks, the road from George Sanders to Val Kilmer has one hell of a low shoulder. Kilmer's mercenary jack of all trades finds himself stealing from and then stealing for an aspiring Russian political candidate/evil millionaire oil magnate. Intrigue allegedly follows. So does an ill-informed and rather uncomfortable romance between Kilmer and his victim, an electrochemist on the verge of perfecting Cold Fusion (played by an Elisabeth Shue on the verge of perfecting bad post-Oscar nom career choices). They should really just film movies like this with the basic cable station's tags already imbedded in the corner of the frame. But what life lessons and philosophies can we take from the Saint?


Rape Is Romantic

The plot of the Saint hinges on a pretty vile "seduction" wherein Kilmer beds Shue's electrochemist in order to gain access to the contents of her bra. To do this, he breaks into her apartment, quickly catalogs her personality based on a five minute walk through (if someone did this for me, they'd be aiding their seduction mostly with unread mail), and then poses (literally) as a "sensitive" Fabio doppelgänger, lounging in front of a statue. Kilmer's ideal poet, "Thomas More," leaves Shue wanting additional quantities. The two share the night together, but not before the filmmakers halfheartedly try to deflect the inherent ickiness of the scenario by having Kilmer feel really bad about emotionally raping Shue. Not bad enough to not do it, but golly, he's sort of kinda sad about it!!! Of course, even though Kilmer and her secret formulas are nowhere to be found come morning, the connection the two shared was just too sweet to let silly things like the entire basis of their relationship hinging on a self-centered and destructive lie that betrays both her and her career stand in her way, and Shue proceeds to pursue a cringe-inducing romance with the lying lothario.

Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application Obviously rape is no longer the relationship deal-breaker society has led us to believe. Even just lying a lot about important things will probably help most relationships.


The Safest Place to Store Important Hand-Written Documents is Nestled Against One of the Sweatiest Parts of Your Body

Like most electrochemists, Shue's character keeps her Important Formulas on scraps of paper, which she folds up and stuff into her bra. Besides explaining why laymen often confuse preteen girls with electrochemists, Shue's actions betray what science has long known: no personal space on a beautiful woman is less likely to be compromised by potential spies and saboteurs than the breasts. Because spies and saboteurs are perfect gentlemen, you cretins. I mean, except the one in this film. Dude's a total dick.

Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application All important papers, such as leases, contracts, binding legal agreements, favorite recipes, and Amazon shipping invoices, should be kept securely within your bra at all times. At no point should you ever let long-haired poets near the top-half of your body.


The Secret to Being a Master of Disguise Is Never Ever Blending In, Not Even Once

Kilmer's Templar is a master of disguise, if that term also extends to not exhibiting mastery of disguise. Among his assorted "dupes" are a thick-voiced Spanish Lover, an effeminate German Homosexual, and a slovenly bald-capped Guy With Obvious Bald-Cap. You know, just some of the many typical larger-than-life characters we all encounter on any average day. Novices might think the key to disguising oneself is to disguise oneself, drawing attention away from our more recognizable features and focusing on universal traits to make us indistinguishable from the populace at-large. "Novice Silly," as Kilmer might say in a Navajo accent while wearing warpaint and a beaded headband.

Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application Should you ever find yourself on the lam, disguise yourself within the confines of a motley poncho or a neon lycra bodysuit. If approached, speak in an obtuse accent to draw attention away from your assorted facial wigs. If not approached, approach whoever you are avoiding and do same.


Always Use an Easily-Detectable Pattern When Selecting a False Name

I know that most of us when pressed to present a false name probably say, "Troy Steele," because almost all of you aren't me and my name sounds cool and I'm an "Internet "Celebrity"" and it's short and easy to remember and when filling out forms it fits perfectly on the line after "Name". There's something to be said about picking a catchy fake name. Calling yourself something like Humbersmith Whynesome Randstooth III is probably going to get hard to remember on the third or fourth pass. And calling yourself exactly like Humbersmith Whynesome Randstooth III definitely will. But what if you have to have a constant supply of fake names at your disposal? As someone who joined the Columbia House Records Club countless times, I can tell you that there's only so many variations on my name out there. Obviously Kilmer has the right idea by using a patterned bank of available names, here well-known Catholic Saints, for his rotating stable of pseudonyms. He even evades anyone in law enforcement ever noticing, which is probably Insightful Religious Commentary. Of course, it takes Elisabeth Shue's character all of fifteen seconds to catch the pattern, but I think so long as you don't let whoever Elisabeth Shue is playing in your life find out two or more of your fake names, you'll be fine.

Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application Pick strings of names that are easily rememberable, like Presidents or State Capitals.

Ex. 1 (Ladies) "Who am I? Why, my name is Georgia Washington/Joan Adams/Tonya Jefferson/Jane Madison/&c"
Ex. 2 (Gents) "Who am I? Why, my name is Des Iowa/Frank Kentucky/August Maine/Jack Mississippi/&c"

A Coup d'état Can Be Halted With a Light Bulb, or When Things Get Tough, Just Invent Cold Fusion

My work in the field of world politics is well-known, and as such I can say that the coup outlined in this film makes complete and total sense: Deprive an entire nation of heating oil, then sit back and watch angry citizens get frustrated enough to throw out the existing government and implement the oil baron who created the drought in the first place. Genius. But like most coups, this perfect plan is undone by the sudden existence of Cold Fusion, a process by which a light bulb is lit on stage, sending the armed crowd of dissidents into sudden upheaval against those responsible for the failed coup. Cold Fusion presumably has other positive uses for the people of Russia and the world, but that light bulb thing's enough, I think.

Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application Nothing sends an angry mob into upheaval faster than lit light bulbs. If you must address a violent crowd, be sure to do it in complete darkness. Also, try not to be the reason they're mad.


Being the Only Likable Person Can Save Your Life

As if weren't bad enough to be shoehorned into a thankless victim role, poor Elisabeth Shue was killed in the original cut of the film, a homicidal act which inspired Kilmer's Saint to avenge her death via elaborate action sequences and eventually vow to change his ways. But for some reason audiences didn't like the only recognizably human character in the film getting murdered. So, according to the always reliable Wikipedia [citation needed], the entire last third of the film was reshot to give her a happy ending-- well, comparatively happy, I guess.

Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application When finding yourself within a scenario in which you might potentially die, weigh the danger with your innate likability.

Ex. Your car spins out of control on an icy overpass. Quickly look to your passengers and attempt to figure out if you are more or less sympathetic than they are. If they're all jerks, let go of the wheel: what do you have to worry about?

Love Is Better Than Money, Even All the Money

So, you've just mastered the process of Cold Fusion, a process that will make you the richest person on Earth. Naturally, you give it away for free to test whether your rapist loves you or your fortune. I don't think even Val Kilmer loves Val Kilmer that much.

Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application Always offer your assailant a choice between either spending your life together or untold billions of dollars. Cross fingers.

Double Switch (David Greenwalt 1987)

What's Going On Filmed not long after Shue's debut in the Karate Kid, Double Switch is yet another adaptation of the Prince and the Pauper. This time it's a shy high schooler who trades places with the tired teenage rockstar, both played by George Newbern. Sure one learns to balance the needs of his fame with his own personal needs and the other finally gets the girl he's been pining after, but what life lessons and philosophies can we take from Double Switch?


None of Your Closest Friends or Relatives Would Notice If You Were Replaced

Newbern's Rockstar holds a lookalike contest in Suburban City and naturally finds his exact double. The two immediately switch places and live out their fantasies. But almost no one else notices they've swapped, including people who have seen the switchee every day of their life.

Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application The perception of who you are as a person is based more on your appearance than your personality. Dress accordingly.


Life Imitates Art, Just Not Necessarily the Art We Want It to Imitate

Even though Suburban Newbern is a "normal" teenager with happily married parents and a bratty kid sister, these cliched family roles fail to be the right cliches Rockstar Newbern was hoping for after watching episodes of Father Knows Best over and over. Had he watched, oh, I don't know, any sitcom or TV movie actually produced in the eighties, he'd have known better what to expect. As it is, Rockstar Newbern is shocked to discover his new parents won't furnish him with a warm mug of cocoa when he comes home past curfew or cook him elaborate breakfasts. Oh man, that's drastic-- was this a Disney Family Movie of the Week or an After School Special?

Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application When entering a new environment, do not automatically assume the results will match your fictional exposure.

Ex. 1 (For Rockstars Who Switch Places With Their Suburban Double) When switching places with your suburban double, don't assume you will solve all of your double's problems. Though you probably will.
Ex. 2 (For Suburban Kids Who Switch Places With Their Rockstar Double) When switching places with your rockstar double, don't assume you will solve all of your double's problems. Though you probably will.

(I think that covers all the bases of my readership)

The Way to Get a Girl Interested in You is to Get Your Ass Kicked

Suburban Newbern can barely muster up the courage to say two words to Shue at school, but she's all about Rockstar Newbern once he sits down and eats lunch in a bold fashion. Even bolder is his approach with the local bully, whom he unnecessarily insults, calling into question the integrity of his digestive tract among other esoteric barbs. The bully responds by grabbing him firmly and sweeping him across an entire lunch table. This is the boldest spark ignited yet for Shue, as she is so dazzled by Rockstar Newbern's ability to get his ass kicked after less than a minute of contact that she simply must invite him out for a bike riding date the following day.

Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application When attempting to impress the object of your affection, instigate a fight with the nearest boor. Be sure to do something boldly while waiting for your aggressor to strike. Perhaps you could sit in a chair backwards, that's bold as shit.


The Famous Can Barely Function as Human Beings

While on a date to a fancy restaurant, Rockstar Newbern is shocked to learn that acting like a total asshole to the waiter fails to win him any points with Shue. He's even more flummoxed to learn that goods and services, such as meals at a fine dining establishment, require a return exchange of monetary funds. Because being rich means never having to check your wallet for cash, he's left dumb(er)struck upon discovering he has no money. Luckily, in lieu of cash, fancy restaurants will accept your date's watch. For some reason his date doesn't like having to pay for their meal with her jewelry, and the romantic evening ends with Shue riding off on her motorscooter, forcing Rockstar Newbern to walk all the way home. This might be the first time a famous person has ever had to use their legs, as I believe the wealthy are used to underlings crouching down and grasping their calves firmly while moving them forward in a walking motion. Oh, and later in the film he doesn't understand how a bus works.

Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application If ever in the presence of an obnoxious lout, assume the person to be famous until you learn otherwise. Do not accept dates with jerks unless you are carrying enough watches to pay for the both of you.


95% of Guitar Playing is Just Grabbing the Neck of the Instrument and Yanking It Up Towards Your Face

Suburban Newbern manages to avoid performing music for most of the time spent as his rockstar double, which is no small feat considering that's all he reasonably should be expected to be doing. However, his anxieties about performing for an audience despite possessing no musical abilities come to terrifying fruition in the finale, when his bodyguards repeatedly force him on stage to play for an adoring crowd. This of course eventually gets sorted and the real Rockstar takes his rightful place in front of the audience. But I'm not sure why Suburban Newbern was so worried about his musical abilities, as based on the evidence shown in the film, playing guitar simply involves wearing it across your torso and craning the neck of the instrument repeatedly upwards.

Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application If ever confused for a rockstar and pressed to perform for a crowd of their adoring fans, oblige. Remember to pull the guitar neck up. If you pull it down: Altamont.


Being Famous Solves Everything, Even If You're Not Famous

Once Rockstar Newbern takes his place on the stage, he's pretty much tied a bow on fixing his life back. But oops, he kinda killed the deal with Suburban Newbern's romance with Shue. Rockstar Newbern fixes this by dedicating a generic eighties pop rock song to the couple, who are watching from the audience. Suburban Newbern gets a warm hug from Shue in return and all's well.

Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application When asking for forgiveness, don't be honest or direct. Instead, get a famous musician to dedicate a tuneless song to you and yours. If you don't know any famous musicians, do not attempt to correct or make up for transgressions on your own.


At Least a Third of the Frame of Any Film is Wasted on Superfluous Visual Information

Double Switch is something of a rarity and there are no commercially available copies of the film available. My "back channels" copy came sourced from a TV broadcast which originally aired with Portuguese subtitles burnt into the image. Thankfully whoever made the video file of the film thoughtfully just cropped out the bottom third of the image. It's pretty seamless, I think you'll agree:

But really, the helpful bootlegger who made this decision was just reinforcing what we already know: no one really needs all of that information in the frame. Widescreen TVs have frankly wrecked the beautiful "full frame" editions that used to be so prevalent in DVD bins and VHS shelves. Nowadays one has to crop their own films, often manually. This isn't a problem for me, as I normally watch my films with my hand in front of my face, covering the bottom third of the picture anyways, but not everyone is an enlightened cineaste like me. To prove my point, here's some frames readjusted (and I dare say "fixed") for the Double Switch ratio:

The classic image of innocence lost, now literally, from Citizen Kane




Vertigo's thrilling rooftop chase, now made all the more thrilling because now maybe he's floating or something?




And who could forget the icy beauty of Gene Tierney in this early scene from Otto Preminger's masterpiece, Whirlpool?




Non-Elisabeth Shue Film Application There's a reason your TV and DVD/Blu-ray players come with a "ZOOM" function. Insist on filling your TV screen with only the most important parts of a film's frame. Don't let Hollywood tell you which parts are important, either.